It's another Autumn, and I still gravely dislike the season. The weather gets colder, which is nice sometimes, but I prefer warmth. I prefer my shorts and t-shirts. Now that I'm the proud owner of a motorcycle, I find riding when it's cold is not as enjoyable as riding when it's warm. The shadows get longer, and the days get shorter. All conspiring to remind me that my life is getting shorter too. There's a whole lot less of it in front of me than there is behind me.
In the original of this post, I wrote that "I'll almost certainly be out of this funk by the time Thanksgiving rolls around". I don't recall if that happened that year, but it certainly didn't happen this year. Thanksgiving has recently come and gone and the funk remains. Maybe it'll be gone by Christmas, but I have my doubts.
I retired last year after giving the last 31+ years of my life to the County of Orange. So far, it's not what I thought. The first few months were great but after more than half a year, I'm questioning my decision. Not much I can do about it other than go out and find another job I guess. Yes, I still work part time for the department but I never know how long that will last. I'm a true "at will" employee and nothing is assured. In addition to the fact that I can only work 960 hours or basically half a year,.
"Sounds great!" I hear you saying. Yeah, I guess it does. And it would be great if I had something else to do. You see, I spent the last 31 years doing one thing. I spent the last 21 of those years adding the role of father. Now I have neither. No identity.
Yes, of course I'm still a father. And yes, she still lives at home and needs me. But it's not the same. She has her own likes, friends, and plans. All too soon, I'm sure she will find her own "life" that will include less and less of me. That's fine. I get it. That's the way it's supposed to be. The "Circle of Life" as it were. But where does that leave me? I haven't had a wife for 20 years. No one to share the good times and bad, the daily ins and outs of life. If I did, this retirement thing might be better. Someone to share it with. Again, I hear you married guys in unison shouting "you're alone...you can do whatever you want...that's awesome."
It's not awesome. I wrote about that in the original post too. Again here's the link if you didn't read it before.
