I'm staring down the barrel of 50...just a shade over three weeks away. I don't know what to think. 50 seems old, but I don't feel old. Ok, some days I do. I don't recover (from anything) the way I used to. I sure as hell can't drink like I used to (which is a good thing.) I'm sure there's other things I can't do like I used to, but I don't remember what they are. Oh yeah, I can't remember things like I used to.
Somehow I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I'd like to say that I've done all the things I wanted to, but then again, there'd be nothing left to do, right? I've been, done, and seen things that I've wanted to, but something eludes me...
I never thought I'd be single at 50. That might not be exactly true...I went through a phase where I thought I'd be single forever, and that may yet turn out to be the case...heck, I've got an 18 year run at it right now. But I don't want to be. Some of this refers to my earlier posts on being alone, I suppose. I don't know how to be alone. Never really wanted to, never have been. I've lived with
someone my entire life. With each passing day, the thought of looking at the rest of my years single, and alone, is, while not frightening, certainly not appealing.
At this point, I must ask the readers not to chime in with something trite like "you are never alone". That would not be helpful.
I've lost my train of thought (didn't used to do that either)...so...to be continued.
(if I remember)
