Despre Toamna, partea a patra (About Autumn, part four)

The Autumn melancholy is not present, or at least not as bad so far this year.

I wrote that a couple weeks ago, and never finished it. For the most part, it has remained true this year. There have been moments, but nothing enduring, this season.

Until today...and still, it is mild comparatively. It came on in full force this morning for some reason....maybe because it was overcast and cold.  I went out and ran a couple errands and then stopped over at the local Coffee Bean, as I used to do, and bought a Peppermint Mocha latte but all I could think of was how much rather I would be sitting and drinking it in Centrul Vechi Bucuresti, Old Town Bucharest. I'm sure that anyone reading this knows about that adventure, but if by chance you don't, it's here. 

It's raining, hard, now....and I'm feeling a little better which strikes me as odd. 

If you haven't followed this blog and have no idea what I am referring to as the Autumn melancholy, the previous posts are here.

Buna seara, prieteni.

Wtf.

A "series of events" led me to search my old blog posts for a particular post. While I did not find it, I did find this one, written almost five years go: Musing on an empty nest. 

Not much has changed, and in an already melancholy mood, that is just damn depressing. Sarah is now 23, and still lives with me, so the "empty nest" has not happened, but the feeling is much the same most of the time. She has her work, her friends, her life....and that doesn't include me for the most part...as it should be at this point. 

To make matters "worse", I retired from my full-time job, of over 30 years, three years ago. I am not complaining. It's just that I never saw this coming....I thought that retirement would be great....not having to get up every day and go to work. Not great. At least not from my point of view. As I said in the earlier post, "I don't know how to do alone". Well, it seems at this point that I don't know how to do "not working" either. You see, there's no one to spend the days with, and since I am an apartment dweller, there's no home upkeep or yard work to do. You can only clean an apartment, polish a motorcycle, do laundry so much before there's nothing to do.

I know this is true...I did one thing for over 30 years, since I was 18 years old....through lots of other stuff in life, I did one thing five days a week, fifty or so weeks a year, and I was good at it. And for 18 or so of those I had a second thing, Dad, that I was at least competent, if not "good", at. They were my "raison d'être", according to Webster, my "reason or justification for existence."

They are gone. While I am still Dad, and my usefulness as such still comes in to play now and then, it is not the same. And I still work part-time at that same 30+ year job, but it is sporadic, and not the same.

I have lost my train of thought. I don't know what to do, and that's the problem.

Do not go gentle into that good night

▶ Dylan Thomas - Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night - Dailymotion video

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

On Autumn, la troisième partie

Ah...Autumn...Fall...my least favorite time of the year. I've written about it before. You can go here to read those posts if you're so inclined. This season, which I so dislike, apparently makes me want to write more than just about anything else.

Wikipedia says this:

Autumn in poetry has often been associated with melancholy. The possibilities of summer are gone, and the chill of winter is on the horizon. Skies turn grey, and many people turn inward, both physically and mentally. (link)

Apparently then, I am not the only one.

The same article led me to the poem "Chanson d'automne"
("Autumn Song")

Les sanglots longs       The long sobs
Des violons                    Of the violins
De l’automne                 Of Autumn
Blessent mon cœur      Wound my heart
D’une langueur             With a monotonous
Monotone.                      Languor.

Tout suffocant              All choked
Et blême, quand           And pale, when
Sonne l'heure,              The hour chimes,
Je me souviens             I remember
Des jours anciens        Days of old
Et je pleure                    And I cry

Et je m'en vais               And I'm going
Au vent mauvais          On an ill wind
Qui m'emporte             That carries me
Deçà, delà,                    Here and there,
Pareil à la                      As if a
Feuille morte.               Dead leaf.

The poem has some interesting history behind it that you can read at the link above. It also inspired the French in the title.

This year, I believe I started to feel the melancholy even earlier. I'm not sure what day it was, but one day it just hit me that the shadows were longer and it set in. It didn't get colder, or more overcast....just that the shadows were longer as the sun crossed lower in the Southern sky. That's how we tell the onset of Autumn here at the 33rd parallel north. The leaves don't change, and it doesn't necessarily get colder, or wetter, or darker (at least right away)...but the shadows get longer. At least that's what always hits me first.

I've written previously about how the season makes me feel, so I won't write it again. This year the feelings started, then subsided a bit as I was busy with preparations for my 35 year high school reunion. That kept my mind occupied for a time. Then, all too soon, the preparations and the event were over. And it came back in full force and effect, if not multiplied. Not only was I dealing with the dreaded season that makes me feel older, but I had the reunion to help it along. Don't get me wrong...it was wonderful seeing everyone...catching up, chatting, rekindling old friendships...but now it was over and I was older. I honestly could barely get out of bed the next day...and I did nothing that day except sit in front of the television and watch mindless drivel. Ok, well, the truth is I was a bit hungover, but that was only a small part of it.

The next day, Monday, needing to get the hell out of the house, I got back on my (steel) horse and rode. I went with my brothers at the Patriot Guard Riders to pay respects to two veterans. Photos here and here. I warned the Ride Captain, a good friend named Joker, that I was about a half bubble off center and to keep on eye on me. He joked that if I was only half a bubble off, then I was better than he was and that I should watch out for him. The day made me feel both better, and worse. Nothing like attending two interments when you're already a bit down. But it was a good thing. It needed to be done, and I was better for having done it.

But when I got home, it set in again. Then a call from a high school friend that I had reconnected with at the reunion raised my spirits immensely, and I've been getting gradually better ever since. Tuesday I went in to work a day, which was perfect, then I rode for another veteran on Thursday and was honored to be asked to be a pall bearer and carry this hero on his final journey (photos)

Last night it started raining, for the first time in forever, and while I do like the rain, and the sound of it on the windows, the promise of life, I feared it making matters worse again. See, in my other posts, I've mentioned how I'm still single, and don't really want to be...well, that intensifies sometimes when it's raining at night. I don't need to explain further. Feel free to use your imagination. But it did not make matters worse. I enjoyed going to sleep to the sound. This morning, I woke up earlier than I wanted to, but shortly after that I was greeted with this:

 I didn't even notice the secondary rainbow
(about half way between the main rainbow and the upper right corner) until I opened the image to process it. 

...a reminder that there is always sunshine after the storm, that the long night does turn to day, and that God has made us promises that are ours to claim. The next thing, unexpected, is that my daughter and I got to spend some time with a special someone...

Again, reminding me that life goes on, good shit happens, and there is much to live for. I still wish there was someone here to throw on a jacket, sit on the back of my bike, wrap her arms around me, and go for a ride...but as a very dear friend told me: "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough".  Thanks for reading. I welcome your comments.

Wisdom on Life from Doc and the Dude

Quote of the day

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."
- Muhammad Ali

Quote of the day

"In Advent, we are made aware that the hours of darkness are lengthening. The days grow shorter. Night seems to consume the world. Perhaps we feel the darkness in our own hearts, our own lives, our own prayer: we look for some sign of God and see nothing. Perhaps we are oppressed by the darkness of the world around us: we notice the poor living without shelter on our streets, we hear the cry of the hungry, we are alerted to wars and rumors of war. We yearn to see the day when Christ will come in all his glory to put an end to darkness of every kind. It has been said that in Advent we live in the night with our faces turned toward the unseen dawn. Hosea reminds us of the central conviction of the Advent spirit: 'as certain as the dawn is his coming.' Let us pray in hope for the rising of the Sun."
- from the Magnificat

On Autumn (part deux)

I wrote my original "On Autumn" just a few weeks over two years ago. You can read it here if you're so inclined.

It's another Autumn, and I still gravely dislike the season. The weather gets colder, which is nice sometimes, but I prefer warmth. I prefer my shorts and t-shirts. Now that I'm the proud owner of a motorcycle, I find riding when it's cold is not as enjoyable as riding when it's warm. The shadows get longer, and the days get shorter. All conspiring to remind me that my life is getting shorter too. There's a whole lot less of it in front of me than there is behind me.

In the original of this post, I wrote that "I'll almost certainly be out of this funk by the time Thanksgiving rolls around". I don't recall if that happened that year, but it certainly didn't happen this year. Thanksgiving has recently come and gone and the funk remains. Maybe it'll be gone by Christmas, but I have my doubts.

I retired last year after giving the last 31+ years of my life to the County of Orange. So far, it's not what I thought. The first few months were great but after more than half a year, I'm questioning my decision. Not much I can do about it other than go out and find another job I guess. Yes, I still work part time for the department but I never know how long that will last. I'm a true "at will" employee and nothing is assured. In addition to the fact that I can only work 960 hours or basically half a year,.

"Sounds great!" I hear you saying. Yeah, I guess it does. And it would be great if I had something else to do. You see, I spent the last 31 years doing one thing. I spent the last 21 of those years adding the role of father. Now I have neither. No identity.

Yes, of course I'm still a father. And yes, she still lives at home and needs me. But it's not the same. She has her own likes, friends, and plans. All too soon, I'm sure she will find her own "life" that will include less and less of me. That's fine. I get it. That's the way it's supposed to be. The "Circle of Life" as it were. But where does that leave me? I haven't had a wife for 20 years. No one to share the good times and bad, the daily ins and outs of life. If I did, this retirement thing might be better. Someone to share it with. Again, I hear you married guys in unison shouting "you're alone...you can do whatever you want...that's awesome."

It's not awesome. I wrote about that in the original post too. Again here's the link if you didn't read it before.

Musing on 50

I'm staring down the barrel of 50...just a shade over three weeks away. I don't know what to think. 50 seems old, but I don't feel old. Ok, some days I do. I don't recover (from anything) the way I used to. I sure as hell can't drink like I used to (which is a good thing.) I'm sure there's other things I can't do like I used to, but I don't remember what they are. Oh yeah, I can't remember things like I used to.

Somehow I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I'd like to say that I've done all the things I wanted to, but then again, there'd be nothing left to do, right? I've been, done, and seen things that I've wanted to, but something eludes me...

I never thought I'd be single at 50. That might not be exactly true...I went through a phase where I thought I'd be single forever, and that may yet turn out to be the case...heck, I've got an 18 year run at it right now. But I don't want to be. Some of this refers to my earlier posts on being alone, I suppose. I don't know how to be alone. Never really wanted to, never have been. I've lived with someone my entire life. With each passing day, the thought of looking at the rest of my years single, and alone, is, while not frightening, certainly not appealing.

At this point, I must ask the readers not to chime in with something trite like "you are never alone". That would not be helpful.

I've lost my train of thought (didn't used to do that either)...so...to be continued.

(if I remember)

On Autumn...

As I enter the autumn of my fiftieth year on this big round ball, I can feel the melancholy growing. I know I've written about this before...maybe last year, more likely two years ago, but I can't find it. I wrote a while back on the feelings coming up with the "empty nest" syndrome. All of those feelings are conspiring against me as I enter this season of my life.

Career √
Father √
Grandfather √
Husband - yeah, not so much

Last year at this time, I was cruising the Caribbean with my daughter, who had just turned 18. We had a wonderful time. We saw things I'd always wanted to see. We climbed a waterfall and she swam with dolphins in Jamaica, and we ate very fresh conch (I love conch) and swam with wild Stingrays in Grand Cayman. It was the trip of a lifetime for me, made that much more sweet by sharing it with my little girl. We shared a beer at Margaritaville Grand Cayman, and she had the hot Jamaican dude pour the drink down her throat at Margaritaville Ocho Rios. I'll never forget that trip.

I think because of that experience, the transition to Fall passed me by last year completely, but my disdain for the season has been growing with each passing year, to the point where this year it threatens to overwhelm me.

For the last few years, this has been a pattern. The shorter days, the longer shadows, the darkness, all remind me that another season, and another year, are coming to an end. I love the holidays, and I'll almost certainly be out of this funk by the time Thanksgiving rolls around ... although I can't be sure because there's a new variable in the mix this year.

You see, as I've talked about in my empty nest posts, I'm looking at a future alone. I know some of you jackasses (if any men actually read this) are thinking I've got it made ... no one to answer to, no one telling me what to do, no questions . Dude. You have no idea what it is like to go to bed alone every night. You have no idea what it is like to not have someone to share life with. If you're married, LISTEN. I know what I'm talking about. She LOVES you or she wouldn't have married you. If you're not married, and you're thinking "why does he go to bed alone every night?" ... well, the answer is ... fuck it, close this window now because if you're asking that question, you won't care about my answer.

Married dudes ... be the man she married. Take care of her. Take care of your babies, if you have them. If you married her and she had some other dudes' baby(ies), take care of them, they'll weigh every other man in their life against YOU. Take care of yourself. Be a MAN.

I hear it now ... "She changed." "She doesn't care about me." "She bitches at me all the time." "She used to dress sexy and now she just wears house dresses." Man up. Get out from in front of the football game and ask her to go for a walk with you. Offer to do the laundry. Take her car and get it washed. MAN UP. God gave you testicles for a reason. You are the leader of the household. Take the lead. Don't dominate, lead. Lead with compassion, and understanding, and love. Remember the girl (woman) you married? She's still in there. She wants you to be the man she married. BE HIM.

Unmarried dudes ... it's not about the next conquest. It's not about a score card. It's not about how much fun you can have with how many people this week. Take it from one who knows. I've been single for 16 years. More than half of your life, I'll bet. It ain't all wine and roses. No one who gives a fuck when you're sick, no one there when your Mom dies, no one there to hold one side of the fucking lock when you're trying to install a new deadbolt. Dude. I'm here on the south side of fifty telling you to find a good woman, court her, woo her, and ask her to be your wife. Then MAN UP and be a good husband. Continue to be the man she married. Always and forever.

Edited to add: See parts two and three here

Quote of the Day

It's been awhile, so here's an oldie resurrected:

"The years have not brought me much in the way of wisdom. But I have learned that the father of a young woman has to remember only two lessons in caring for his daughter: He must be by her side unreservedly when she needs him, and he must disengage when she doesn't."

From "The Tin Roof Blowdown" by James Lee Burke