Wtf.

A "series of events" led me to search my old blog posts for a particular post. While I did not find it, I did find this one, written almost five years go: Musing on an empty nest. 

Not much has changed, and in an already melancholy mood, that is just damn depressing. Sarah is now 23, and still lives with me, so the "empty nest" has not happened, but the feeling is much the same most of the time. She has her work, her friends, her life....and that doesn't include me for the most part...as it should be at this point. 

To make matters "worse", I retired from my full-time job, of over 30 years, three years ago. I am not complaining. It's just that I never saw this coming....I thought that retirement would be great....not having to get up every day and go to work. Not great. At least not from my point of view. As I said in the earlier post, "I don't know how to do alone". Well, it seems at this point that I don't know how to do "not working" either. You see, there's no one to spend the days with, and since I am an apartment dweller, there's no home upkeep or yard work to do. You can only clean an apartment, polish a motorcycle, do laundry so much before there's nothing to do.

I know this is true...I did one thing for over 30 years, since I was 18 years old....through lots of other stuff in life, I did one thing five days a week, fifty or so weeks a year, and I was good at it. And for 18 or so of those I had a second thing, Dad, that I was at least competent, if not "good", at. They were my "raison d'être", according to Webster, my "reason or justification for existence."

They are gone. While I am still Dad, and my usefulness as such still comes in to play now and then, it is not the same. And I still work part-time at that same 30+ year job, but it is sporadic, and not the same.

I have lost my train of thought. I don't know what to do, and that's the problem.

Quote of the day

A friend reminded me of this today:

Musing on my health insurance

Yeah, I don't think that's the right Kaiser. Thanks Google.

This started off as a Facebook post and quickly grew too wordy for that...

You know, I've had Kaiser Permanente health insurance for something more than 20 years. I've always had people recoil in horror when they hear that. It seems that so many people *hate* Kaiser, although I run across some folks, like myself, that love it. Seems to run at either extreme. Although I've noticed this pattern: the people that love it, have it; and the people that hate it, don't. Maybe that's because the people that hate it used to have it and quit, or some other thing, but I tend to think it's, for the most part, something different.

Kaiser started out many moons ago in the city of Oakland, CA. When I was growing up in the 60's in Garden Grove, I knew two things about Kaiser. One was that my aunt and uncle that lived in Oakland used Kaiser (to this day I have no idea why I retain, or ever had, that knowledge) and two, there was a little Kaiser office over by "the hills" (not the ones on TV) where we used to ride our bikes. "We" never went in that office and didn't know anyone who did.

What I think I'm getting at is that I think Kaiser suffers from an image problem where some folks think that it's sub-par care because it's the insurance "of the poor folk" or some such thing. I"m not putting this as eloquently as I'd like.

Anyway, I've always been satisfied at the least, as usually happy, with the service I've received from Kaiser. Ok, there was once this lady doctor in Garden Grove that treated Sarah and she was kind of a bitch...but maybe it was her time of the month or her dog died or something...but that was nearly 20 years ago.

I digress. I'm pleased as punch with Kaiser. I have a friend who insists that Kaiser is terrible and that he'd never go to a doctor that he couldn't pick out himself. OK, well, I've been going to the same GP for years. He always remembers a little bit about me, if not everything. But hell, I don't expect him to remember everything. He deals with thousands of people between the times he sees me. And if he says I need to go to a specialist for something, I let him send me. Hell, I wouldn't know how to pick put a good specialist if you held a gun to my head.

Kaiser has never balked at doing something that I thought needed to be done. When Sarah was little, her primary doctor thought she might have some hearing issues. She sent us to a specialist. They worked with Sarah for a few hours, and did all kinds of tests that I *know* were expensive. They determined that there was nothing serious. Future issues? None. Total cost to me? Nothing. 0.

I could go on and on with stories, but why? Those that like Kaiser, like it. Those that don't will never believe me....or care.

What made this all come up today? Yesterday I had my yearly checkup. I  paid my $10 and then proceeded to wait less than 5 minutes to be called. The nurse checked my weight, BP (111/65 if you're playing along at home), and temp and asked a few questions. Then she told me I was due for a Tetanus booster, and did I want it today? Also that I am due for Bone Density screening, and gave me the info to call and make that appointment. Then I waited less than five minutes for Doctor House (yes, my doc is Dr. House) to come in. He asked me many questions about habits, live, stress, etc, and proceeded to give me a head to toe check. He even noticed and expressed concern about a bruise under my toenail that I hadn't given a second thought to. He gave me my prescription for Omeprazole (to treat my recurring heartburn) and some pain meds for my intermittent recurring back pain. Told me I needed blood test again, and had I eaten this morning? I said no. He said great, you can do it right now. You're in good shape. See you next year.

So I go check in at the pharmacy, which was the longest wait of the day. I probably spent 8-10 minutes in line waiting. Then off to check in for my lab work. Checked in a waited less than 5 minutes to be called in. Nice guy, needle in, needle out, and I'm done.

Back to the pharmacy, and another ten minute wait. Get called, pay another $10 for my two prescriptions, and I'm outta there.

Just a normal office visit. Office visit, pharmacy, lab tests, and I'm in and out in about an hour. Clean bill of health and $20 spent.

Now, the part that sent me over the edge. My lab results starting coming in at 2:00! Less than three hours after I left the building. The last of the results came in around 1:00 am this morning. All my lab test results, in my mailbox, in about, what, 14 hours? You can't beat that kind of service with a stick.

Part of the reason I don't want to leave the state is I don't want to give up Kaiser and have to start "managing" my own health care.

I am not getting reimbursed in any way for this testimonial....lol

Thought of the day

Thought of the day

Musing on 50

I'm staring down the barrel of 50...just a shade over three weeks away. I don't know what to think. 50 seems old, but I don't feel old. Ok, some days I do. I don't recover (from anything) the way I used to. I sure as hell can't drink like I used to (which is a good thing.) I'm sure there's other things I can't do like I used to, but I don't remember what they are. Oh yeah, I can't remember things like I used to.

Somehow I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I'd like to say that I've done all the things I wanted to, but then again, there'd be nothing left to do, right? I've been, done, and seen things that I've wanted to, but something eludes me...

I never thought I'd be single at 50. That might not be exactly true...I went through a phase where I thought I'd be single forever, and that may yet turn out to be the case...heck, I've got an 18 year run at it right now. But I don't want to be. Some of this refers to my earlier posts on being alone, I suppose. I don't know how to be alone. Never really wanted to, never have been. I've lived with someone my entire life. With each passing day, the thought of looking at the rest of my years single, and alone, is, while not frightening, certainly not appealing.

At this point, I must ask the readers not to chime in with something trite like "you are never alone". That would not be helpful.

I've lost my train of thought (didn't used to do that either)...so...to be continued.

(if I remember)

Listening to the gentle whisper...

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper."
I Kings 19: 11-12 (NLT)

Yesterday I was reading a book, the title of which will remain a mystery because it would start a whole new post. From that reading, I took three verses from the bible, wrote them down, and posted them on my desk:

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James 1:19

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18

In your anger, do not sin.
Ephesians 4:26

Let's just say that those particular passages spoke to me enough to write them down, because I saw at least two situations in my life right now where I need to remember and apply them.

But that wasn't the gentle whisper. The gentle whisper (although it's more like a sledgehammer that a gentle whisper, but you get the point) was this:

Today, during some down time, I remembered how I used to get a little daily devotional book titled Our Daily Bread that I would use to guide my quiet time, when I used to do my quiet time that is. Yes, that's another confession, and yes, I'm working on it.

So, I go to the internet and type in "Our Daily Bread" and find the website. There was today's devotional: "Talk Low, Talk Slow" which quoted James 1:19 and was right on the same point.

Ok, God....not exactly a still, small voice....not exactly a gentle whisper...but thank you. I get it. I'm listening. Now, my prayer is help me to remember it and apply it in the situations in my life that require it.

Musing on an empty nest

This started out yesterday as a note on my Facebook page.

Those of you that read it there and don't think that I'm just a self indulgent narcissist can scroll down to find out whatever insight I add here.

"This was the first weekend that Sarah worked both days and I didn't have anything planned. I spent, as some of you saw on here, a part of both days working on my laptop at the Starbucks down in Laguna Beach. While I love being in a beach town, and at Starbucks to boot, I realized this afternoon that I'm already starting to feel the empty nest syndrome. I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon that only made it worse.

For the last 18 years, I have been "Dad". That has been my job, my role, my identity, my life, and I didn't even really realize how completely I identify as "Dad" until now.

Sarah is 18, driving, and employed. She has more friends at this particular time than she's had in quite awhile. She has a boyfriend. She has a life that doesn't revolve around me. Don't get me wrong, that's ok...that's the way it's supposed to be...but for me, it's weird.

I realize that most of my friends are married. The few single guys I know are twenty-somethings that I have nothing, or at best very little, in common with.

I'm going to be 50 next year. I'm getting very close to retirement, having been at my job for 30 years.

I don't have any idea what the future holds.

I'm alone, and I don't know how to do that."

I'll start with the last first. "I'm alone, and I don't know how to do that."

I realize while pondering this that I've never been alone, at least not for more than a couple weeks while Sarah was at camp or some such thing.

I lived at home until I moved out to shack up with the first love of my life. After that dream disintegrated, I moved back home where I lived until I got married to the second love of my life. Man, was I wrong about that. When we divorced, less that five years later, I moved in with the third love of my life, along with my then two year old daughter.

Skip ahead two more years, another relationship run aground, and I moved out with my four year old to live "on my own" for the first time in my life...at age 35. That transition is the stuff of a whole 'nother post. Suffice it to say that I was ill prepared to be a single dad in this great big world. But we survived.

And since that day, it has been Sarah and I. We have a strange and unique relationship that doesn't evade the notice of most people that know us. Again, that's the stuff of another post. But the point is, I've been "Dad" for 18 years. I was "boyfriend" a couple of times during that time for short periods, but I haven't even been "boyfriend" for...what?...7 years now? It's been so long, I don't remember. I see why so many marriages disintegrate after the kids move out. When you identify as one thing for so long, it's intimidating to face the unknown future. Ah, another post.

The stuff of this post is: I've NEVER lived alone. I don't know how to do alone. I don't know what to do alone. I don't know how to act when there is not someone else's opinion to take into account, someone to care about and for, someone to take care of. I'm...apprehensive? nervous? intimidated? scared?

Thanks to Alicia and Gabrielle for the kind words that encouraged me to explore these thoughts in a little deeper detail.

The three best days of my life. So far.

October 5, 1991

July 17, 2007

November 10, 2009

Wonder what the next one will be....

Twists and Turns

Sometimes life takes twists and turns that you can't detect or predict. All you can do is ask God to light the way and keep you on the path, and trust him to do it. The secular me wants to see the end of the road, the final score. That's not the way it works. If we could see the end game, we wouldn't have to trust now. I'm trusting, God. Don't walk me into a wall, or worse yet, off the edge of the cliff. Unless that's your will, of course. ;-)

Our ways are not God's ways

A friend wrote this in a blog post today:

Sometimes when something really bad happens, it's God making way for something good to come into our lives.

True that. As a matter of fact, I might be wiling to go so far as to call that statement true even without the qualifier "Sometimes".

I've found it to be true many times in life that "it's darkest before the dawn". According to J.M. Farro,

It's no coincidence that right before deliverance comes, the temptation to lose faith in God became unbearable. These are the kinds of tactics that Satan uses to try to convince believers to abandon their faith and hope in God so that their victory will be delayed or even thwarted entirely. That's why the Bible says: "Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." (Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT) The devil knows that if he can send enough discouragement and despair your way, you'll be more likely to quit and give up on trusting in God and His plans for you.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to say, but Farro said it already so I've just quoted him.

When we are walking through the difficult times of life, it is easy to forget that God is with us through it all. It is easy to turn from him if we're feeling that he's abandoned us. We must remember that he's not only there during those times, but those are the times that he's closest to us. He knows our troubles and feels our pain. Sometimes he won't take those pains away from us because we have more to learn by enduring them than we do by escaping them.

Sometimes he lets us hit bottom just so we'll look up. That happened to me. Those of you that know the story of my conversion have heard it before. If you haven't, and you're interested, ask me.

This whole post feels disjointed and unfocused, so I'm going to quit here. If enlightenment comes, I'll be back.

Radical Transparency

Are you radically transparent? I'm not...generally. Until recently, I can't think of a single person in the world who knew everything about me. Ok, honestly, everything is a bit of a stretch, I suppose. Not too long ago I met someone with whom I've been able to be completely open. This person knows more about the many facets of Steve than, I dare to say, anyone else in the world. With this person, I am radically transparent. And you know what? It's freeing, not confining. It's nice to be completely open and honest about everything...no secrets, nothing hidden. I've learned some lessons from that which I intend to put to use in my daily life.

I have integrity with this person. My whole being is integrated. I don't have the work Steve, the home Steve, the church Steve, and the all-alone Steve with her. Yes, it's a her. Why? I don't know. She makes it easy. She gets me and it's easy to be honest and open. I don't think she's going to run away screaming. No, we're not romantic. Would I like to be? Maybe. I don't know for sure. Why? Because I'm not sure she's as open with me. Not true, I'm sure she's not. And that's ok. Just because I'm an open book doesn't mean the rest of the world has to be.

But it's a liberating feeling. Not having anything to hide. Will she break my heart? Probably. But that's ok too. I'm learning things in the meantime.

If you could read my mind...

For lack of anything vaguely original in my being, here is a repost that is strangely more apropos today than it was the day I wrote it:

One of my all time favorite songs by one of my favorite singer-songwriters of all time.



(Facebook friends need to view original post to see the video)

I've had many of those "...the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back" moments in my life, and I always think of this song at those times.

I'm still looking for "a movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me.

I've had the pleasure of seeing Gordon in person a few times. Some of my best memories are of Lightfoot concerts. I saw him, I think twice, at the Universal Amphitheatre back in the late 70's, and then again at the Greek Theatre in '90 and '94 I believe. I've put off seeing him for the last few years, but neither of us is getting any younger so if he makes another concert swing through this area, I'm going or I'll never forgive myself.

"...the ending's just too hard to take"

Day dreaming

From Blogger Slideshow

Sometimes you just have to make up s#*t to blog about. Today is one of those days. I find myself in a "tropical depression." I've had a s#*t storm of a week and my head and my heart is in turmoil. I find myself wanting to be somewhere warm, eating conch fresh out of the sea, looking at bright cerulean water and sky, and leaving the trouble and crap of this world behind.

I want my toes in the water, my ass in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand.