Musing on 50

I'm staring down the barrel of 50...just a shade over three weeks away. I don't know what to think. 50 seems old, but I don't feel old. Ok, some days I do. I don't recover (from anything) the way I used to. I sure as hell can't drink like I used to (which is a good thing.) I'm sure there's other things I can't do like I used to, but I don't remember what they are. Oh yeah, I can't remember things like I used to.

Somehow I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I'd like to say that I've done all the things I wanted to, but then again, there'd be nothing left to do, right? I've been, done, and seen things that I've wanted to, but something eludes me...

I never thought I'd be single at 50. That might not be exactly true...I went through a phase where I thought I'd be single forever, and that may yet turn out to be the case...heck, I've got an 18 year run at it right now. But I don't want to be. Some of this refers to my earlier posts on being alone, I suppose. I don't know how to be alone. Never really wanted to, never have been. I've lived with someone my entire life. With each passing day, the thought of looking at the rest of my years single, and alone, is, while not frightening, certainly not appealing.

At this point, I must ask the readers not to chime in with something trite like "you are never alone". That would not be helpful.

I've lost my train of thought (didn't used to do that either)...so...to be continued.

(if I remember)

Memories

"Life is just a collection of memories.
And memories are like starlight:
they go on forever."

"Aurora Borealis"
C.W. McCall, Bill Fries

A Reminder to me...

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Quote of the day

"For years now I've lived with the fear that at some point everyone is going to leave, and I will be left alone. For no reason I can say, in no way I can prevent, I am going to wind up alone. I can't really explain why, but I know it's my fault. It lingers there, down under the surface, like a chronic backache or a low grade fever. But it colors everything I say and do; it shapes every relationship. I remain guarded, distant. I feel I ought to do more, be more. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm sick of it...

...and Jesus walked softly beside...

None of this was your fault

Now, you must understand, I didn't know that for all those years. I had believed it was my fault. I didn't think about it much at all. But down in the deep waters of my soul that conviction had settled, grown, like barnacles on a shipwreck, lies clinging to my heart. This all happened because my heart is bad; it's my fault. And down the Spirit went to speak the words to break those lies.

None of this was your fault

And something of my heart came free that night."

From Waking the Dead by John Eldredge

I'm waiting.

Listening to the gentle whisper...

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper."
I Kings 19: 11-12 (NLT)

Yesterday I was reading a book, the title of which will remain a mystery because it would start a whole new post. From that reading, I took three verses from the bible, wrote them down, and posted them on my desk:

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James 1:19

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18

In your anger, do not sin.
Ephesians 4:26

Let's just say that those particular passages spoke to me enough to write them down, because I saw at least two situations in my life right now where I need to remember and apply them.

But that wasn't the gentle whisper. The gentle whisper (although it's more like a sledgehammer that a gentle whisper, but you get the point) was this:

Today, during some down time, I remembered how I used to get a little daily devotional book titled Our Daily Bread that I would use to guide my quiet time, when I used to do my quiet time that is. Yes, that's another confession, and yes, I'm working on it.

So, I go to the internet and type in "Our Daily Bread" and find the website. There was today's devotional: "Talk Low, Talk Slow" which quoted James 1:19 and was right on the same point.

Ok, God....not exactly a still, small voice....not exactly a gentle whisper...but thank you. I get it. I'm listening. Now, my prayer is help me to remember it and apply it in the situations in my life that require it.

Quote of the day

"Ride her 'til she bucks ya or don't ride at all"

~ Kevin Costner in Tin Cup



image borrowed without permission from http://www.visionlightgallery.com/gallery/Bucking_Bronco_1_P8631C661.cfm

Quote of the day

"If you danced with the devil for a very good reason, have you not still danced with the devil? "
- Tom Clancy "Dead or Alive"